My religion, and I do mean mine.

I have always thought “religion, or more accurately spirituality” works much better when it is between one’s heart and that which has no name. Now if you can get a couple others that can be intereting but as soon as there is another human it changes and can get distracting. Especailly the whole taking up arms business, Crusades, Cromwell, Jihad et al.As a retired Catholic I still find the power and magic in the words of prayers, but only when I disconnect the prayers from the sense and emotion memory of who and how they were taught to me.

I wish you grace

It has been many years since the people I loved more than anything in this world, died. There were times in the days after the death that I would have gladly given my life for one more minute with them. They have been dark nights of unfathomable sorrow and pain where I thought I would lose my mind with the keening, And yet, and yet. I am here. I go on, There is still love in the world for me to find. There is still purpose, there is still joy. It took a long time to believe it but I still say and believe that pain lessens, grief changes, and death shall not conquer love. toujours, mon coeur, Je vous souvenez-vous toujours…….to those of you who are grieving, after an hour, a day, a month, twenty years…I am here for you. nothing you can say will frighten, or shock or turn me away. we are all just walking each other home. ask, seek, knock. I will gladly walk with you. I wish you grace… I wish you peace.

Rise

The darkness waits too near the door for me to open my soul. Rise, rise , I must breath , open my arms and rise above the abyss of remembered pain and sorrow. I know that the universe awaits as I open my heart and smile the easy smile of cosmic patience.

Happy Mothers Day still

Happy Mother’s day still.

I have been so fortunate to have women in my life that have done such a good job of beginning to fill the void left by my mother’s  passing when I was nineteen. My father had died seven years before; one of my three sisters, four years after that. With only two sisters left, I felt like my family had been wiped out.  Anne and Mary Ellen tried to help me but I shut them out.  I shut the world out. Slowly I began to realize that mothers could come in the form of friends like Nancy Kelly, Ma Closs. As I grow and heal and open my heart to the universe and look back I am filled with thanks to Gloria Minckler, and Joan Ayling.

They have with kind words, a gentle touch, an encouraging silence let me know that I am safe, I have   worth, and I am loved.

And to my sister Anne, my cousins Caroline Anne and Jeanne Marie that are now more like sisters , and to the women friends in my life who have encouraged , and loved and laughed with me, you have all nurtured and supported and protected me in ways I am still discovering.

Happy Mother’s Day

I was home from college for a semester break. My mother had become sicker and would have seizures from lack of oxygen or improper medication. Never understood it. Was really quite worthless as a pre-med student. One evening we argued, oh yeah that I was getting out of pre-med and into theatre. Very loud. At one point out of the blue she asks me “How long have I got?”  I was also worthless as an actor and in my interminable pause and perhaps the look of destined failure in my eyes, she finally had the truth of her hopeless battle. She of course was angry and grieving and denying in the blink of an eye and all I could do was walk a cowards walk into the next room. But somewhere in that moment I realized that mom was not going to live. And that my mom was a person, not just my mom but a real human being facing something, of what it was I was  still rather worthless at figuring out. But it knew it sucked. And then I realized that she was not going to be around. And at the same moment I realized that this was a new person that I had not known but would like to and now could. And then in the next moment knew I could not because there was no more time left. And that made me almost cry and then something broke inside and I did not feel anymore for a long time.

Wish I could have been a better son ma. Wish I coulda known ya more. I know you walk with me everyday. I thank you for that. Happy Mother’s Day. Pain lessens, grief changes. Death shall not conquer love.   The loss still marks you for the rest of your life. Hopefully you can sense they still walk with you in some way.